script

Family Guy Spec Script - Family Friendly Guy

Just as a quick note… I wrote this in January, the year before Deadpool 2 came out and before Family Guy actually did one of these jokes you’ll read here. With that said, please enjoy.

familyguy.jpg

Fade in

INT Griffin living room

The family sits around the sofa. Stewie left on the floor next to Brian, and on the couch left to right is Chris, Meg and Peter. From the left enters Lois.

STEWIE

I'm curious what adventure we'll be going today.

BRIAN

Why are you talking like that?

STEWIE

Like hwat?

BRIAN

Like that.

STEWIE

I'm just my usual self. And I can't wait for you to finish your book, so that I can finally read it.

BRIAN

Fuck off.

Lois

Brian! You can't talk like that anymore.

BRIAN

What? Why?

LOIS

You know why...

Peter

Leave him be, Lois.

LOIS

We can't, Peter.

Chris

Are mommy and daddy gonna fight?

LOIS

No, Chris, we are not.

PETER

Why not? Nothing changed...

LOIS

(whispering)

Something did change...

The Imperial March starts playing faintly in the background. Chris excited jumps up and exclaims

CHRIS

Oh boy! Can we do Star Wars again?

MEG

I don't want to do Star Wars again, I'm always killed off... Or a monster.

PETER

So what? This means nothing... Just look at my buddy Deadpool over here… coming to a cinema near you on May 16...

Deadpool

Hello guys, finally paying off your dues? Since I mentioned you in the first movie?

LOIS

Fine, I get it. But you shouldn't do anything stupid anymore.

MEG

Oh my god, Ryan Reynolds...

CHRIS

It's Deadpool!!!

DEADPOOL

Kids, if you're nice, this year you get something special for Easter.

PETER

Get out! Your bit is done...

DEADPOOL

Fine, not like I need this... Fu...

Suddenly a portal opens, a metal arm reaches out and pulls him in.

PETER

This is just like that last time, when that time it was that other time, with that other dude from last time that was that time when we did that thing that one time, than that other time...

CUT TO:

Close up of Stewie

STEWIE

Let's check to see what Brian does, until the fat ass ends his pathetic joke and we get to that flashback...

CUT TO:

INT. Bathroom

Brian proceeds to drink water out of the toilet bowl, then starts licking his testicles. Suddenly we hear small footsteps approaching the bathroom, the door opens. We see a hand with a newspaper in it. Suddenly Stewie starts hitting Brian over the nose with the newspaper.

STEWIE

You. Can't. Do. That. Anymore. You filthy animal.

Brian shaken up about all this, looks at Stewie in a stupor and asks.

BRIAN

What has gotten into you?

STEWIE

You know what you did! You can't do that anymore.

Stewie looks into the camera and says.

STEWIE (CONT'D)

Now let's go back to the fat ass and see if he is done.

CUT TO:

INT. Living Room

PETER

(Continues)

Just like that last time we tried braking the forth wall in a smart way.

LOIS

Are you done?

PETER

Yes.

Cut to:

Int. Same living room

The family sits, some on the floor, some on the sofa, watching TV. Ryan Reynolds enters the house.

PETER

Remember when we tried to break the forth wall?

Ryan REYNOLDS

No, I don't.

PETER

You will.

CUT TO:

INT. Living room

LOIS

What was that?

PETER

A joke, written by whoever is writing this episode. It was a meta joke, get it? So much meta, is this what you want?

Peter in a fit of rage jumps towards the camera grabbing it.

PETER (CONT'D)

Ha, ha, ha, written by Raul, fuck off. Very funny...

LOIS

Peter! Stop swearing. We have to change our ways.

PETER

But you saw what just happened... That's not funny...

Peter still angry, rolls up his sleeves and says.

PETER (CONT'D)

That settles it. I'm gonna make Family Guy funny again.

LOIS

Peter, no…

CUT TO:

INT. Stewie's room

Brian enters, Stewie sees him and says.

STEWIE

Let's go on an adventure, just you, me and Rupert.

Brian sighs.

BRIAN

Go on an adventure? Really? I don't want to.

Stewie gets up.

STEWIE

Come on, it will be magical, beautiful and maybe even life changing.

BRIAN

I don't want to.

STEWIE

Don't make me force you... You owe me, so we're going on a diddly adventure and that's the end of that.

BRIAN

Fine.

STEWIE

We should do something for someone else today...

BRIAN

Like?

STEWIE

Like seeing what your son is doing, help him if he needs it. See you two get back together, father and son. Remember your son?

BRIAN

What?

A thought bubble appears, expanding into a flash back.

BRIAN (CONT'D)

Wait, no... I don't want to remember that.

Brian starts jumping trying to catch the flashback. He fails. Suddenly sad music starts playing as the life of Brian's son is flashing. As he grows up without Brian, he goes to prom, graduates college, gets married, gets a raise, a perfect little house, has children. Finally his son gets old and dies of old age.

BRIAN (CONT'D)

God damn it. Stewie...

STEWIE

What? Don't you want to be a better person? So why not start with that? You already failed twice, so maybe third time's the charm, right?

BRIAN

Fine...

CUT TO:

Int. The drunken clam

PETER

Guys, guys... Tell me a joke...

QUAGMIRE

What? Why? What's this about?

PETER

I want to check on something...

Joe

So there was this...

PETER

Not you, Joe.

Joe

Fine...

Cleveland

Calm down, Peter.

PETER

I can't. I have to make Family Guy funny again.

QUAGMIRE

Took us long enough...

PETER

We have to create the best joke on television.

JOE

Didn't Monty Python do that already?

PETER

No one remembers or even knows what that is.

Joe

But isn't this show's longevity the best joke on television? Hah!

PETER

That's why no one likes you, Joe.

QUAGMIRE

How do you want to do this?

PETER

It has to be something timeless, something that will be told for generations.

QUAGMIRE

Can't we do something the young people do and call it quits?

CLEVELAND

That's just lazy, even for me.

JOE

That's something I should have said. Get it? Hah, I'm on fire. Booya for me.

PETER

I want to kill him, can I kill him?

QUAGMIRE

No violence.

PETER

Ah! You too?

Suddenly in the down left corner the beginning of a blue line appears. Peter jumps up and screams.

PETER (CONT'D)

This is what I was talking about?

QUAGMIRE

What are you talking about?

PETER

This... This right here.

As he points towards the line forming the Disney logo slowly. Peter takes Joe's pistol and starts shooting at the line that's forming the logo. After he kills it, he sighs and gives the gun back to Joe.

PETER (CONT'D)

Thanks, Joe.

JOE

You know, I should arrest you for doing that, right now.

PETER

Oh, come on! Don't be like that.

JOE

I'm sorry, Peter... But you know the rules.

PETER

Quagmire? Cleveland?

As Joe handcuffs Peter, Quagmire and Cleveland look down.

PETER (CONT'D)

This is worse than the time Jesus caught the apostles having the last brunch without him.

Cut TO:

Int. OLD timy restaurant

The apostles were having fun, laughing. Jesus enters, sees the table full of dishes with scraps on them and glasses half-filled with chardonnay.

Jesus

You guys! I thought we were having brunch together. You are mean.

Jesus runs hysterically out the door.

JUDAS

What a pussy...

The apostles laugh.

CUT TO:

ExT. somewhere in Quahog

BRIAN

So where are we going exactly?

STEWIE

Well, last time we saw your son, he was prospering. So, let's see what he is doing now...

Stewie checks his phone, then turns to Brian and says:

STEWIE (CONT'D)

Oh, look... He's a wealthy producer now. Let's see how you can ruin this.

BRIAN

Screw you, I don't need this.

STEWIE

Yes, you do. And don't talk like that anymore. If you don't want to die again.

BRIAN

Fine, fine... Alright. I just don't see what the big deal is.

STEWIE

You'll understand soon enough.

BRIAN

Another road trip?

 

STEWIE 

No, I emailed him. Told him that I have a monster pitch that will earn him millions.

 

BRIAN

And that worked?

 

STEWIE

I also told him Tom Cruise is in.

 

BRIAN

Didn't he try to kill you?

 

STEWIE

It'll be fine, don't worry.

 

BRIAN

But won't he recognize us?

 

STEWIE

Who cares? We got him here, you have another chance to do the right thing and that's all that matters. So let's get moving.

 

CUT TO:

INT. POLICE STATION JAIL CELL 

Peter is snapping his fingers, the other inmates follow. They corner Peter and break his fingers. Peter falls down on the floor, all the inmates go back to their places and sit down.

 

PETER 

I thought we were gonna do a 50's musical thing. Damn it.

 

Joe comes to the cell, accompanied by someone.

JOE

Come on, Peter. You're free, this gentleman offered to pay your bail.

 

Peter gets up and gets out of the cell. From the shadows, Jim Parsons steps out.

 

PETER

Jim Parsons? What are you doing here?

Why?

 

JIM PARSONS

Peter, we need to talk.

 

PETER

What? Why?

 

JIM PARSONS

Just trust me... Come, now.

 

JOE

Take care, guys. Peter, never do that again, understood?

 

Jim and Peter leave without saying a word.

 

JOE (CONT'D)

Aww, these guys. Always with their hijinks. It's like that time I went to the most magical place on earth and took my shirt off on the roller coaster.

 

The camera shakes from right to left a couple of times, signaling

Joe that there won't be a cutaway. Joe disgruntled says:

 

JOE (CONT'D)

What do you mean, no? So the guys can do that? And you don't want to do it for me?

 

The camera shakes again to signal a no.

 

JOE (CONT'D)

That's it! I'm going to teach you some respect.

 

The camera shakes as it's startled and as Joe is approaching it with a baton in his hand.

 

CUT TO: 

EXT. OF A RESTAURANT 

STEWIE

Good, he's here... Let's go meet him.

And don't do anything dumb, okay?

BRIAN 

Fine. I just don't see the point of this.

 

STEWIE

The point is for me to help you do something good. Family, yay! Friends...

 

BRIAN

Fine.

 

The two enter the restaurant.

 

CUT TO:

INT. RESTAURANT 

Stewie and Brian get next to his table.

 

STEWIE 

Hey. Dylan? Eyy... I'm Stewie, nice to meet you.

 

DYLAN

Hey, Stewie... Brian? What are you doing here?

 

BRIAN

Look, I'm sorry, this wasn't my idea, it was his.

 

DYLAN

This wasn't a business brunch, was it?

 

STEWIE

Oh, no. We're still having brunch. But it's a family thing now. Now let's talk.

 

Brian and Stewie take a sit at the table.

 

DYLAN

I thought you had enough, after last time.

 

BRIAN

I did. Believe me, but Stewie here thinks that third time's a charm.

 

STEWIE

I believe in doing something good. And I think, you two should at least be friends, if you can't call him dad. Which, you never will probably. And I don't blame you. What a loser. Right?

BRIAN

Stop it! We get it...

 

STEWIE

Sorry... Sorry...

 

DYLAN

Well, if we're here, we might just have brunch together and see where this goes.

 

STEWIE

That's the spirit. I knew you were the better man. Isn't this nice, Brian? He's like a kinder, not rapey, power hungry producer.

 

Stewie turns to the camera and says:

 

STEWIE (CONT'D)

You expected that I would make some joke that would go to a cutaway? Nope.

 

CHUCK TESTA

It's just Chuck Testa.

 

CUT TO:

INT. SOME DARKLY LIT ROOM 

Jim Parsons takes the bag off of Peter's head. Peter disturbed looks around.

 

JIM PARSONS 

Peter, we heard about what you did... And we're here to help you in your quest.

 

PETER

We?

 

Three figuresi step out of the shadow, take their robes off... Peter amazed says:

 

PETER (CONT'D)

Charlie Sheen? Ray Romano? And Jim

Belushi? What are you guys doing here?

 

JIM BELUSHI

We're here to help you.

 

PETER

But why?

 

RAY ROMANO

We're thinking that maybe, if you can really find that one joke... The best joke in history...

 

CHARLIE SHEEN

We can move on.

 

PETER

Move on?

 

JIM PARSONS

We're tired, Peter. We've been on TV saying the same stupid jokes for forever.

 

RAY ROMANO

I was in an amazing movie last year, and the academy didn't even think to give a damn or nominate me.

 

PETER

And you?

 

CHARLIE SHEEN

My life has been just a big joke these past years. So if you find this joke, I might get forgotten and I can do stuff again.

 

PETER

Great! Let's do this.

CUT TO:

INT. RESTAURANT 

Everyone at the table seems to have a great time. Brian is wagging his tail.

 

STEWIE

See, this wasn't such a bad idea.

 

DYLAN

You're right, Stewie. Thank you.

 

BRIAN

Yeah, thanks, Stewie.

 

DYLAN

I think it's time for me to leave.

 

BRIAN

Already?

 

DYLAN 

Yeah, I have some movie deals, you know how it is. Never stop grinding. But hey, if you want, I could give you a call sometimes. We can hang out from time to time. You could come and meet my wife.

 

STEWIE

Oh, you have a wife...

 

BRIAN

Yeah, yes... Sure...

 

DYLAN

Look, if you really want. Come by my house tonight. Let's have dinner.

 

BRIAN

Yes. Thank you.

 

Dylan leaves.

STEWIE

See, sometimes when you don't act like a total prick or when you don't use people. Good things can happen to you too.

 

BRIAN 

You know what? You're right. Thank you.

 

CUT TO:

INT. SOME STUDIO SET 

Jim Parsons, Jim Belushi, Ray Romano, Peter and Charlie Sheen are walking on the set.

 

JIM PARSONS 

So, Peter. We have here a studio audience. This is where you're gonna test your jokes.

 

PETER

Okay, I know how this goes.

 

JIM BELUSHI

What's your first joke?

 

PETER

A knock, knock joke?

 

RAY ROMANO

Really?

 

CHARLIE SHEEN

For Pete's sake...

JIM PARSONS

It's happening, we have to hurry this up.

 

CHARLIE SHEEN

PETE! PETE! PETE! PETE! PETE!

 

Charlie Sheen desperately tries to swear, but he fails every time.

 

CHARLIE SHEEN (CONT'D)

I can't... I just can't say the F-word. Peter, please help...

 

RAY ROMANO 

Calm down, Charlie. You know you can't for comedy...

 

CHARLIE SHEEN

How do you think I kept Two and a Half man on TV for so many years?

 

JIM BELUSHI

Oh no...

 

CHARLIE SHEEN

That wasn't a joke. Why would I make such a joke?

 

PETER

Okay, okay... Just give me a change to try something. I need a montage.

 

Peter turns towards the camera. The camera shakes signaling no.

 

PETER (CONT'D)

What do you mean no? How do you want me to do this then?

On the screen the words "You should have thought about this earlier."

 

PETER (CONT'D)

Was that a joke?

 

On the screen again: "It's better than anything you did this episode."

 

CUT TO:

EXT. DYLAN'S HOUSE

Brian and Stewie are in front of the house.

 

BRIAN

I'm so anxious...

STEWIE 

Don't worry, bud. Just don't be yourself too much. And no drinking.

 

BRIAN

Yes, I know... I know.

 

Brian rings the doorbell. A beautiful woman opens the door.

 

EMILY

Hello, boys.

 

Brian starts wagging his tail.

 

BRIAN

Yea, hey... Hello. I'm Brian. This is Stewie. We're here for Dylan.

 

STEWIE

Hey.

 

EMILY

I'm Dylan's wife, Emily. Please, do come in. He told us about you guys.

The two go in, Emily closes the door.

 

CUT TO:

INT. DYLAN'S HOUSE 

The three are walking in a gorgeous house.

 

BRIAN

Quite the house you have here.

 

STEWIE

Nice.

 

EMILY 

Dylan will join us a bit later. Until then I can entertain you.

 

The three enter a room, take seat at the table that's nicely set.

 

EMILY (CONT'D)

So, Brian. What do you do for a living?

 

BRIAN

I'm an author and screenwriter.

 

STEWIE

No, he is not. Brian... What did we talk about?

 

BRIAN

Fine... I'm a struggling author, I didn't write anything in years.

 

STEWIE

That's better.

 

EMILY

Well, at least you started something. Not like others that don't take that step all their lives. I, for example, finally took that step after dating some asshole that took advantage of me when I was blind. I even changed my name. Luckily Dylan was kind enough to be everything I ever dreamed of.

 

BRIAN

Ha, ha, ha... That sucks, sorry to hear that.

 

Stewie whispers to Brian.

 

STEWIE

Does this ring any bells?

 

BRIAN

Yes, we have to get out of here?

 

STEWIE

What? Why? It's just getting interesting.

 

BRIAN

Stewie, no. We have to leave, now.

 

STEWIE

Fine.

 

BRIAN

So... Emily, we sadly have to leave...

 

EMILY

Why?

 

BRIAN

It's just that, we have this thing, we have to do. And you know.

 

Dylan enters the room with some mouse ears on his head and a bat in the right hand.

 

DYLAN

Hey Brian, why so quick to leave?

 

CUT TO:

INT. SOME STUDIO SET

The guys are desperate, the virus is spreading.

 

PETER 

I have an idea. Ray, do you know the word?

 

Ray Romano slaps Peter.

 

RAY ROMANO

It's not the time for that, it wasn't funny then, it isn't now.

 

PETER

Ouch. Fine, I'll try something else...

 

CHARLIE SHEEN

Please!

 

PETER

Fine, fine... I got it!

 

Peter tries to pick something up from the floor and farts. The fart spreads through Quahog. The audience starts laughing hysterically.

 

JIM PARSONS

Was that it?

 

PETER

No, that's not what I wanted to do.

 

JIM BELUSHI

But maybe that's it! Farts are the jokes that will never die! There will always be something in us to laugh at a fart gag or joke.

 

RAY ROMANO

Peter, you genius!

 

CHARLIE SHEEN

Fuck me! Yes! I can say fuck again.

 

PETER

Huh... I feel slightly disappointed, like that one time... You know what, no...

 

Peter just leaves.

CUT TO:

INT. DYLAN'S HOUSE 

DYLAN

You're gonna pay for all the years of torment you brought on me, on her. On everyone around you. We can't tolerate you, not in this new age.

BRIAN

What? What did I do now?

STEWIE

You know what you did. I told you something changed.

EMILY

It's time.

The three corner Brian. The fart hits the three. Suddenly they snap out of it. The ears Dylan was wearing turned to dust. Everyone is very confused... Jim Parsons bursts into the room.

JIM PARSONS

Bazinga!

Peter enters the room, takes Dylan's baseball bat. Hits Jim over the head with it. Out of breath he says:

PETER

You wanted an end? Here's your end. We weren’t going to end on this, but hey… At least it wasn’t on a fart joke. Goodnight!

Fade out.

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