I don’t want to be Nobody anymore….
I don’t think there is someone, anyone, anywhere for that matter not just here or there, but everywhere that doesn’t want to be important. Important is subjective, is different for everybody. For me it’s important that you have values you actually stand for and represent, since it’s the thing I will judge you for. Maybe for others it’s important that you have stability, that can be seen through money, a job, some status, control or their type of loving, but it is usually the same way for all them. They want to be special for someone, something for whatever reason. Their reason for why they want what they want or how much of it they want, it depends. They might want more, they might want less, but they all want something to make them feel worthy. And is not worthy in the sense that they have something to prove, it’s their worth to their small world. That’s why we all have this wish that we need to be important, we need to be our main character in our own lives. But are we? Do we? Do you feel important in your life? This whole importance thing is disgusting if you think about it.
I do not know what feeling you have, but I don’t think there is worth in fighting for something that isn’t worthy of you. But you can’t control this world, nor can you force the world to be yours, no matter your money, influence or power. And I don’t care what you think, honestly. You could be reading this thinking what the fuck is this weirdo talking about, and all I could think about is how fucking awesome I am, because I just learned something new and listened to some fucking awesome music. Thus you are not important to me no matter what you do. Your importance in regard to my well being or my world does not matter whatever impact you might get to have over it. Because in the end I am just as fucking awesome as I want to be and the fact that you will never get to fucking know how awesome I am, is your loss, whether I am addressing you or a society as a whole, it doesn’t even matter. There’s still a tomorrow. So whose importance is important if your importance in my world might be none? So why would we care for fucking losers that want to control our lives, what we say, who we love legally and consensually, or how fucking awesome and important we could be. And who the fuck am I to tell you what you could become? I wish everyone could be fucking awesome, intelligent, loving and anyone that wants to become that, they have my support. But that’s not why we are here, it’s about me…
I want to be important. So read the rest. Now, is the frustration I feel something most people feel as well? Yes, probably. But I wanna be important. I want to believe that I too can be important? Why? I have my own life, my own world, my own desires, ideas, wishes, dreams, wills, wants, things that are very important to me. And while I will always give whatever support I can to people around, I am not an infinite pool of effort, love, patience and care. I burnout as much as anyone. I breakdown just like you do. Now, don’t deny that. But, I am finite, so is my life. I am broken glass, as much as I am an indestructible unit of spite, love, care and my own brand of weirdness. And I deserve to be important. No, I demand I am important. Not against your will, but against my own fear of succeeding and then having to take even more responsibilities and then I have to deal with people and my social battery is leaking since I haven’t healed properly yet from all my trauma, because people keep fucking me up whether they want it or not, so I can’t stand a lot of people as I used to. So I want to be important, and I want my voice to be heard, I want to be loved, cared for as I care for others. But I just don’t want to be perceived, unless I am told beforehand or I feel like I can add something of value to the discussion or idea. Again, I don’t need to be important to stand in the way of people that know how to do things and have the drive to do it. I just need to be important that they listen if I have something important to say, or you know, support me when I need it. It’s not much, right? Do you want the same? Or are you so fucking insecure you need to control everyone and have them do your bidding like a little spoiled toddler? I don’t care…
Why the hell is it so difficult?