Hey, want to hang out? What are you up to? I asked without hesitating. She tells me that she is free, extatic with a smile on my face. I wait for an answer and there is nothing, so I ask again. I hear her hesitate, a minute passes once more and she tells me that she wants to, but that she can’t. I reassure her telling her that I understand. She then happily tells me that she’ll message me later. We exchange pleasantries and she hangs up. Disappointed, I look once more at my phone, seeing that she hasn’t called me back. A message, it was from the one I just called telling me that she’s going to be free in an hour and that I only need to tell her where she has to be. Smiling, I quickly reply that it’s fine and that we should meet at one of our favorite places. Another quick reply from her saying okay makes me happy.
Making my way downtown, headphones in my ears, all the craziness that ensued that day turning my stomach on its head. The chaos inside me feels like a cancerous growth that I don’t know how to deal with and the way I am is becoming cloudier and foggier. My heart beat thumps as the music plays, my footsteps are getting quicker and are my thoughts are rapid turned into gibberish and excuses of what I did what I did and what I do what I do. About if it matters or not because we’ll be dead by the end of it all. I look at the people that pass me and I think if they knew what I was thinking what they would think of me. How would they judge my thoughts, actions and reactions. As all this goes through my mind, I stare at each and one of those people passing me by. The phone rings and wakes me back to reality…
What shouldn’t I know? What are you hiding from me? I want to ask her, but I can’t. Shaking with anger and despair my voice cracks as I let a syllable escape my mouth when asking what is she doing. She, surprised, tells me that she has been working. In my mind her words telling someone that I shouldn’t find out about something are on a loop and are driving me crazy. My leg is shaking as I try to find any words to coyly ask her about what I shouldn’t know about. But as my mind blanks, so does my mouth, so I mutter a simple I love you and she quickly asks what is wrong with me before I get to hang up. I just miss… You. I felt her breath in and then stop, after which nothing. So I ask her if she’s okay, and yet there is nothing on the other end. I take the phone from my ear, look at it and hang up. And as I arrive at the meeting place, I raise my head and see…
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