My eyes open to a white ceiling and an empty bed. The covers tossed together by the edge, my pillow on the ground, the sounds of cars passing by jolts my brain into a long yawn and a stretch before I get up from the bed. I get up, open the door to our room, step outside as the acrid smell of coffee hits my nose and drags me to the kitchen. Tired, out of it, I sit down on the chiar, head in my hands in front of the espresso machine. The vivid images of that thing in my dream is still haunting me as I blink. Her disgusting sounds as she morphed into that thing give me goosebumps. Yet from it all, I still don’t understand my dream, not that I remember anything else from it, now that I had a minute to think. But in my gut, a sinking feelings sets as regret shows its ugly head for something I hadn’t done but dreamed off. I wish I could understand myself better… A familiar voice from my left speaks up… We all wish the same thing. As her hand goes into my hair and plays with it.
Are you okay? I shake my head. Want me to make you a coffee? I get up and nod. Want some breakfast too? I once more nod as I lay my head on the table. I don’t know what I am doing anymore. I feel so useless. As she opens the coffee jar she turns towards me with a smile and says… Aren’t you a bit of a hypocrite right now? You tell others that it is okay not to know or feel lost, yet… Here you are. Lamenting normalcy, like that’s a bad thing. I groan as I hit my head on the table. Let me suffer for once. Don’t come at me with logic when I just want to feel. Let me feel. She scoffs as she finishes preparing the coffee. What’s wrong, dear? You on your period? She pets my head in jest. Ha, ha. Very funny. She turns on the espresso machine. You’d think that after many years of having the luxury to think about things we plebs don’t have the time to think of, that you’d master the ‘there is nothing you can do attitude’. The machine stops. After last years’ panic attacks, I thought so to. But, I was wrong. I get up to go get milk for the coffee.
Wanna talk? As I pour the cold milk straight into the coffee, I shake my head. You sure? I put the cap back on and go back towards the fridge. Yeah, I’m sure. I’d like to tell you something, but I don’t even know what’s wrong with me or what I want or who I am anymore and… She puts her arms around me. Calm down. I hug her back. Even if I calm down. It’s not going to feel too great. I don’t know how to explain it. She puts her head on my shoulder. I know, I know. My mind goes blank for a second as we hug. Everything seems to have calmed down. Come, sit. Your coffee is going to get cold. As I sit there, smiling, nothing in mind I lose myself looking into nothingness. Her voice, mixes with the noise of the cars and the voice of the people walking and talking outside. I can’t hear anything anymore, nor see anything but the vague shape of my mug and hands as I sip on the coffee. Peaceful, ever so peaceful, as I turn my head to look outside the window at the blue sky. A car honks, I snap out of it with a question perturbing the calm mind. Without a filter, thought, or anything to stop it, I blurt out… So, what were you telling that guy that I shouldn’t know about while you were at work?
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