A ghost

I'm a dependent ghost...

a ghost.jpg

I always thought that I'm some more, something that the world doesn't understand or comprehend. I've always stood and watched, life, people, nature, take it course and watch them flout away on a river that never moves, you could call it the longest lake in existence. I've seen so much tragedy, so much pain, and yet still want to believe in what's right in this world. Still want to change the wrongs of people, even though no one listens to me. It's hopeless, but that's me a hopeless romantic, I'm stupid for believing or even trying. I want to give the world a hand of hope, an alternative to everything that is wrong and yet I can't even bring myself to stand up straight in the morning and change the way I live. I want so much more from the world to be and to reach it's true potential and thinking that I might get a response from a few, to wake up a feeling in them, or a thought. What am I thinking? Why am I doing this? When even I can't really feel anything anymore, or change or do anything anymore. I'm nothing left but a empty shell, a ghost that wonders this world hopelessly depending on the idea of something more than what it is today. I depend on the idea of love, improvement, criticism.

The truth is, I might be less than everyone I have ever looked down on. I'm not smarter than everyone I have ever met. I can't be, because I can't do anything other than depend on ideas without the courage of deciding what's right or wrong. And someone like me can't see what's right or wrong anymore, doesn't see it, because I once had a reason, so I'm lying to myself saying that it still exists, even though it's long gone. I've been on this self-destructive path so long, that I became a ghost and everyone around me is now just a memory. It's hard for someone stupid like me, I only understood now after years of self-torture. Now when I have no more reason to really live. I'm looked at something that it's pitiful, that had potential and remain something no one will ever look at again. I'm sad, I'm hurt, I'm all alone now. There are voices of the past, I want to fix them and make them go away.

I want to escape and start a new, but I'm dependent, I'm stupid and I don't understand. I buried my head in music for a long time, expressing feelings that I had. Then it was learning, drinking, smoking, even working. Recently I buried myself writing lyrics, poetry, stories and reading lot's of reading and internet. I can't sleep anymore, every night I'm awake, and even when I want to sleep all I do is look at the ceiling and I'm chocked up with tears. I have no idea what I'm doing right now. Everything is dark, people are so confusing, nothing works for me anymore. I'm sad, but it feels good to feel sad, because it's the only thing I can be honest right now. That and the fact that I became a ghost.

Consider supporting on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/RaulFO