I am so sorry. I can’t do this, she says avoiding my eyes and taking a step back. I will feel guilty and I don’t want that. And I don’t want you to feel like that either. Stunned, I am left speechless. But my body moves on its own and holds her tight. What would she say if she knew about this? She asks and my arms drop as she escapes. Look, I’d let you. I would. But I couldn’t forgive myself for any of it. Nor would I be happy with you in those circumstances. And for a few hours, it isn’t worth it. I raise my head and the words “But it would be just once” leave my mouth. You can’t promise me that, nor can I promise you that. I shake my head. See? After a few moments of awkward silence she asks me if this is what I really want… A relationship based on what exactly?
With my head down, I sigh as silence grows between us. I can hear her pacing about around me. My mind is blocked, trapped in a making of its own desire. The irrational side of me is frantically trying to prove its point and logic. Questioning whether it morals matter when it comes to wants and needs of two people that share the same desire. As all this goes through my head, I reach out and grab her hand. She stops in her tracks, I bring her to my chest, put my hand in her hair as I kiss the top of her head, she grabs me in her arms. I want you, I whisper. She nods and my hands feel glued to her as I gently pull her head back to look into her dark brown eyes and at her bright red lips. She slowly gets on her tiptoes,, getting closer to my face. She’s right there, she’s right there, she’s right there… She’s right there, that’s all I could think as my body ached to kiss her.
But before I even decide, she hugs me once more, thanks me and tells me that she needs to leave. I try to stop her, but the moment felt like it fled and left some time ago, as my chance to have her was there, for me to take. Yet I couldn’t… I couldn’t dare to take it and give myself over to her. Goodbye, she says with a sad expression on her face. I’m sorry, I say. Yet it felt futile as she looked disappointed at my actions and words. A coward is what you are is going through my mind as I lay my head into my palms once more, thinking about what I just did and could have done. My mind now racing to try and figure out everything and untangle whatever just happened and whatever will I do from now on. Just as I think that, my phone rings once more…
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