Why are you doing this to yourself? She asks with a soft whisper in my ear, holding my head in her arms. Who cares? I raise my head. I care. It unsettles me to not know these things. I can’t function without knowing this. But why? She interrupts. Because I need to know, no, I need to feel that I am doing better, am being better. She takes a step back. What do you mean doing better? I need to know that I am doing and that I am doing it the right way. I don’t know how to explain the void that is in my heart when I have to think or do something that has no answer. I need to feel like I’ve done something right. Because I’ve done things… I’ve done many things. Whether they failed or not, it didn’t feel like they mattered if they were the right or wrong thing. And I hate it. I despise it. I want to do better. I want to leave some wisdom behind. Something of value to someone. My son or daughter, the reader that reads whatever I write, the love of my life that listens to what I have to say… To anyone that accepts to even hear me for that matter.
Stop it! Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. You’re not a super man. You are not a hero of all. You’re you. And you have to accept that it’s fine that you are you. She says whilst hugging me. I know, I say as I push her back. I know all that. But I can’t forgive myself if I won’t find out the answer. I know I can find the answer to this. Imagine if you could answer questions that irked humanity for thousands of years and solve frustrations, problems, wouldn’t you do it? Of course, you would. Any sane, decent person would. But most give up. Most surrender. They flee. Because there’s responsibility. Accountability from the future already judging them or worse, mocking them if they were wrong. Look at all these fallen greats, people we worshiped once now forgotten. Any wisdom they might have had thrown out the window because they once said something that was proven wrong by time and advancements. Each generation that comes after us will judge us. I already feel horrible for how I’ve been until now. I don’t need any more of that.
I get it. But why are you torturing yourself with answers that need not be? I take another step back. Because they are needed. People don’t have them. They must be needed. Think about it. All these things we are frustrated about, simply accepting them as a natural order or whatever, do us no good. When you hit yourself on unsatisfactory answer after unsatisfactory answer it is simply so UGH! I can’t fucking deal with it. What the fuck is the point of being if you can’t solve problems that have an answer, because it’s just there. You just have to look at it, work at it and then simply get it. Why can’t people simply be decent? Not good, decent. If people were decent, none of this wouldn’t be a problem. And yes, you can say that if I discover some answers, I might go down in history or something. But that’s simply being delusional or worse, an asshole. And that defeats the purpose of everything I just said. I’m exhausted. I am tired. I don’t know what the fuck to do anymore… Help me…
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