I Write Sins... Not Tragedies 19 - Duality

Why? She asked again like none of my words meant anything to her. Frustration started to take a hold of me, as more and more of my questions, my insecurities weren’t getting any satisfying answer. Because I don’t get it, I said as she surprised looks at me and leans back. I know that it shouldn’t matter, yet it matters. Because the way we live is rather dumb. We all know the same rules of wash your hands, when you yawn, you put your hand to your mouth. These weird fucking rules that came out of necessity. Yet, here we are. In a nebulous cloud without any real rules to follow, even murder is not really frowned upon in the right context. But as I writer there is one thing I don’t have. One thing I will never understand and it doesn’t satisfy me. Because either something has rules, or it doesn’t. Having your cake and eating it doesn’t cut it for me anymore. I want something more.

She looks at me with bewilderment as I light up and continue to rant. Art, my art, writing… What’s the point of all those rules only to break them? What’s the point of the internet? What’s the point of free access to information if we can’t use it properly? What’s the point of helping anyone if they don’t want the help, even if they are a danger to themselves and others? There isn’t any! What is your responsibility to do anything in this god forsaken world? None! Because you have the freedom to do so? But what good is freedom if you hurt someone? What good is freedom if you can’t take advantage of it? And put yourself in a cage then blame others? All this life is to me, all this life will ever mean to me is a joke. Because I can’t have what I want. Because either I write what I don’t want, but the audience wants, which they don’t know what they want. Or I write what I want, but the audience doesn’t, because even thought they don’t know what they want, they know that they don’t want what you are offering. Fuck!

She lights up another cigarette and looks at me smiling. How am I supposed to know who I am? What am I to do in this life? When most of them don’t. And you know what they do because they don’t? They stand in your way, because they can’t fucking fathom the balls on you as a human being to be happy, and to pursue something you want to fucking do in your life. And even when they don’t, change scares them. So, you scare them. Because you have good ideas, you have potential to make it big, kid. To change what needs to be changed in a broken system. But they won’t let you, because it’s the norm, and why change what works. But does it actually fucking work if you want to change it? Of course not. All I wanted was to be happy, with you, with my fiance, with anyone for that matter that would have given me the light of day. Yet I don’t have that luxury, because I can’t have you, I can’t have what I want. And I don’t know what I want, because no one does and even if I did, no one would actually give two shits to read what I wrote. And that’s the truth. Instead of doing what is right and necessary. Instead of actually changing something, we’re just moving along because change scares us, no matter how good it would have been afterwards. With big eyes, she looks at me and…

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I Write Sins... Not Tragedies 18 - Wish You Were Here

She slowly moves her hand towards my crotch. Listen here, she says as she grabs my junk. That’s no way to live life and you know it too. There are way too many things that you could have done in any other way, but this feels like nothing but pure childishness from you. She slaps me, before moving back on the other side of the table and drags another smoke of her cigarette. I know! You’re disappointed. This isn’t what you thought I’d be after so many years. Don’t look so surprised, I’m not entirely a moron. She starts laughing, covering her face with her hands. I have no idea what I saw in you, when I fell for you, she says. Without thinking I interrupt her. Me neither. Her hand shaking as she puts out the cigarette, her face with the most bitter of smiles as she looks at me. I never thought I’d see you, nor did I ever want to see you like this. A slight chuckle from her after hearing that. Me neither….

We looked into each other’s eyes, the chocolaty brown color of her eyes, drew me into the dark of her pupils as she used to do with her puppy eyes. I thought she thought what I was thinking, thoughts of what if’s and maybes. You know… I have two kids now. They’re absolutely wonderful. My husband sometimes can be a dick, but you know me. I always used to do shit for myself, never needed him, you or anyone for that matter. She stops there to light another cigarette as the bartender brings us another round of beers. So, if I can do all this, you can too. And let’s be honest, I’m not the first to tell you all this, right? I nod without saying anything else. But, it’s good seeing you. Glad to see you’re handling life somehow. Even if it’s somewhat poorly. We both take a drink at the same time and stare at each other once more without saying much else.

What do you want to do in this life? She asked. Don’t ask me that. She smiles. Why? Head in my hands, looking down at the table. You know why. I can’t… I don’t know. How are you supposed to know what the fuck to do in a lifetime when… I start to gesture broadly at everything around me. Oh you absolute weakling, she says with disgust. How have you lived life like this until now? You really haven’t grown up in all these years. Glad you’re not the father of my kids. I with a bitter smile look at her and grind my teeth. Me too, at least now we see something eye to eye, right? She scoffs at what I just said. I’m sorry. It’s just that I can’t do anything about the decisions I already took. There’s nothing I could do right now to do better what has already been done. Nor can I ever prove to you or anyone that I wronged anything, because by the time I’ll do it, you won’t be there to witness it. That’s why when I saw you, for a moment I was happy. But then, I remembered that I’m not who I thought I’d be when I’d see you again…

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I Write Sins... Not Tragedies 17 - Breaking The Habit

Her voice soothing, like something I haven’t seen before. That hello felt like a touch to my feeble broken soul. Hope once more in my eyes, I turn to see her, the one speaking to me. The smile I had on my face turned to shock as another ghost from my past has come to visit me. Why was she here? I never thought I’d see you. I never thought I’d see you, she says as I finish the same thought. What are you doing here? She asks as I was about to ask the same question. Out, with a friend. She just left, I respond with the most broken smile. You haven’t changed much, have you? With a nervous laughter I nod. How are you? What are you doing here? How’s your child? She smiles as she sits down in front of me. Fine, she is fine. Same, here to meet a friend, but by the looks of it she is late. She pulls out her pack of cigarettes, a lighter, a lights one up. Do you want one too? She asked. No, I quit. She starts laughing. Well, look at you grown up and all, she says while laughing.

The black nail polish, scraped off by the edges, her hands shaking, cigarette in mouth she taps on her phone with the speed of light. With one drag she sets her phone down on the table firmly and looks at me smiling. Married? She asked. No…. Not yet at least. A bit surprised she looks at me with the weirdest look. How so? What have you done to not be married by now? Nervously I laugh one more. You know me… Dumb shit. Tried stuff, didn’t pan out. Trying stuff, still doesn’t pan out. She sighs. Don’t worry, you’ll figure stuff out. Look at you, you still look fine, like you haven’t aged a single day. So, are you single now? Unable to look her in the eye, I respond. No, engaged. Without even finishing the sentence. Wow, congrats. Glad to hear that. See, you’re not such a loser after all. I’m afraid. You’re afraid, she says on a serious tone, after once more saying what’s on my mind.

How? She smiles.You’re the worst, you know that? Always so idiotically honest. You’re as mysterious as a carrot. Embarrassed, I look down at her hands as the smoke floats and draws in the air. It’s scary. Can you blame me? It’s forever. Without thinking she once more interrupts me. Who says it’s forever? Show me. Let’s be real, you aren’t that dumb to get engaged to someone you wouldn’t think to love and want to be with, right? She asks as I sit there feeling once more like a child in front of her. You’re overthinking it again. Such a horrible trait of yours. If you could only see yourself how others see you… In a whisper I tell her that I know. Then you’re a dumbass for not doing anything about it. Her words like a hammer to my ego, whatever is left of it. This is so frustrating, she says in an annoyed tone looking at me. She gets up, sits next to me and she puts her hand on my leg then…

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Don't Sleep - The Pilot Program 2020

Welcome to The Pilot Program 2020 for the month of April.

If you don’t know how The Pilot Program Works, it’s quite simple. You read, like, comment and share the short story you like and thus casting your vote on which short story you want me to turn into a 52 long short story series for the next year. And this month we have a twisted short story about what lies beyond sleep. Enjoy.

If I sleep now, I’ll lose everything I have. That was my first thought every morning I woke up in this world after surviving another night. I can’t remember the last time I was glad to fall asleep without any worry of what might wait for me on the other side. I can still feel the eyes of that creature on the back of my neck, ugh, maybe I need another cup of coffee. Three days, fourteen hours and roughly twenty two minutes, I need to do better. I have to figure out a way to prolong the waking hours without hurting myself. If the record from what I gathered was somewhere around eleven days of not sleeping, I should be able to at least push four days without any sleep. But with only sleeping for five hours, I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it. I don’t want to leave…

The warm coffee in my hands brings a nice soothing smell, as the thoughts that I will need to go back to work creep behind me. Looking around, I notice that the drugs are almost all gone. I’ll need to go and get some more, if I want to survive another week here. Pants, shirt, jacket, boots, wallet, phones and then house keys in my hand as I set foot outside the house I grew up in. The sun is blinding today, but the most irritating thing is the overwhelming noise everyone makes in the first hours of every single day. With people screaming as they don’t know where they are, who they are with. Hey, neighbor, says a voice from my right. I turn I see a new face I don’t recognize. Hey, new neighbor. He starts to laugh nervously. Listen, since you seem to be a bright young man, can you help me? Already knowing what he is going to ask I simply give up and nod.

Where do I work? He asked with a puzzled expression. What’s my name here? He asked with the same expression. Do you know me? He asked exasperated. The fucker left me nothing to go off. No ID, no journal, no nothing. Please. He says as others get into the street looking around, trying to find some information on who they are. Since they too, had the same fate, losing their fights and getting forced to now live here by some assholes that couldn’t handle it anymore. I don’t know, sorry. He rarely left home, so I didn’t interact with him. Hearing this the man goes into a panic and runs back towards his house. I can’t afford to make him my enemy, I can’t afford to waste any energy on anyone. I don’t want to lose this. I don’t want to sleep. I want to live in this world, not another, I’ve seen much worse. So when I fall from exhaustion, from whichever parallel earth or dimension a new me comes to fight me and take my place, I’ll beat him, like I beat the one from last night.

Hope you enjoy this free short story. Don’t forget, if you liked it, leave a like down below, comment, share it, and it might just turn into the short story of 2021.

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I Write Sins... Not Tragedies 16 - Comfortably Numb

I can’t stand you anymore. This is said, she says as she goes back around to her place. You’ll regret it. Her look turns to disappointment once more as she gathers her things. Even if I am going to regret it, at least I dodged a bullet with you. She says softly under her breath. Yeah, sure you did. when all you’ll do is be alone and sad all the time. At least I have someone I care about. She let’s out a sarcastic little laugh. Is that what this here is? You caring for your fiancee? After all you said here… She goes silent, sits down and lights up another cigarette with her small black lighter. She spots the waiter and asks for the check. Maybe this all was a mistake, she says while dragging from her cigarette. Maybe, I reply. I don’t think it would have worked, even if we tried, she said with a sad look in her eyes. You were always just someone precious to me, but I… She stops once more. You can’t know any of that! Maybe you would’ve been happy for once in your life. Feel at home, at ease. But, maybe you would’ve fucked it all up, because it wouldn’t’ve been as toxic.

After hearing this, she gets up and leaves. Alone with my thoughts, with my new found regret, I try to erase everything I just said and done and move on. Yet the only thing I can think of is how much I’ll miss talking to her as another person leaves my life like it meant nothing to them. My phone buzzes with a message. You should have kissed me and you could have had me then and there. I could have made your dream come true. You coward, the message wrote. How did she know of… I scratch my head and ask for another beer, as I sit lonely at this table surrounded by strangers. Why does this happen? I ask myself every single day. Why can’t you just be a normal human being for once? I whisper under my breath as I look into nothing. Feeling like the world is crashing around me,

Why can’t you love like a normal person?

Why do you love?

Who do you love?

What is wrong with you?

What do you want from life? From them? From us?

Who are you doing this for?

What do you think is happening?

Don’t you think this will come back to bite you in the ass?

How?

What is your logic?

Who are you thinking about?

What are you thinking when you’re thinking?

Who is in there?

What are you doing exactly?

Are you trying to ruin your own life?

Is this how you want to enter your married life? With regrets?

What are you doing?

Do you hate your life that much?

Can you not?

Why can’t you just be happy?

Have you tried enjoying the life you have for once?

Can you please stop?

What or who are you afraid of?

Hello… I hear…

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I Write Sins... Not Tragedies 15 - Everlong

With the most angry expression on her face she moves next to me. You are such a hypocrite, you know that? And yet, you are weak. You never actually dared to take me while I was there. And you expect me to listen to someone that doesn’t practice what they preach? Her face gets close to mine. Her hand squeezing my leg. You can’t handle me, not now, nor ever. She turns back towards the table and drinks out of her beer. You never gave me a chance, in the first place. You simply decided that I couldn’t handle you. Instead of asking, you left me waiting. She turns back towards me. Is that how you wait for someone? Jumping from one realtionship in another? Not talking to that person, but simply sitting idly waiting for her to fall in your lap? Be honest, you used me. You came to me only when things were rough for you. Never when things were good. Baffled I turn back around, there was nothing I could have said anymore.

A dense air filled the space between us. My face wants to turn towards her, to apologize, to soothe her, and my hands to embrace her. But all I can think about is how I have failed her, and let her down. I thought I knew what I wanted, I thought I knew who I wanted to be with, but I guess, I was wrong. What am I doing? Escapes my mouth. She turns to me with a smile and shrugs. Why do you expect anyone to know what you are doing and feeling? Aren’t you a writer? Shouldn’t you figure these things on your own? I start laughing. I don’t know who you think we are. But, I can tell you that most of us know just as much as you do about the why, the who, the how, and all that about thinking, feeling or philosophizing. Whether we write non-fiction or fiction, doesn’t really matter, as we all write things that we wish we’d understand or have. I don’t know anything anymore. As these words leave my mouth, she turns towards me with a pitiful look.

But, she can’t hold that expression for too long before bursting into laughter. Do you realize how pathetic you sound? Without a single beat to miss I ask her why. Because you act so noble, in a pursuit of getting wiser and yet you’re just another cowardly nobody like the rest of us. And yet you seek to give me or anyone any sort of judgment or council. I overestimated you. You’re just another egomaniac. Why can’t you admit that you’re like the rest of us? Flawed, pitiful, broken, in need of attention and love. I turn towards her with an angry expression. I never said I wasn’t, I never believed that. I do not know where you got that from, but it wasn’t from me. She turns to me and with one of the harshest tones she screams. You are deflecting! As we look into each other’s eyes, I respond. So are you! You’ve done nothing but throw things back into my face instead of talking and taking this conversation forward, and why? Because you are afraid that I’m right. You just don’t want to admit it. Silence sets between us as our eyes are burning with passion and our bodies with rage. And then…

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I Write Sins... Not Tragedies 14 - Gone With The Sin

Are you fucking kidding me? What kind of reasons are those? Who do you think you are trying to convince with this crap? You could just admit tot the fact that you feel lonely, that would be fucking fine. But, you can’t go around now or never saying that you want to be free. What the fuck are you talking about being free? Free from what? A conscious? Consequences? Pain? We both know that you can’t live without those and there is no way for you to avoid them, no matter what you do. Or are you just that fucking horny to give up on any fucking dignity for some dick that plays you however he wants? You do realize that he is making a fool out of you both, right? He has a wife! And he is cheating on her with you! You will never be together, no matter how much you fucking believe in whatever is in your head right now. And what’s worse, is that I promised you that if you’d wanted, I’d be with you. I promised you!

You’re a moron, she replies without any hesitation. Why? Because I can’t think to let you fuck shit up? Because I am trying to help you like you help me? Why am I a moron? Tell me. She stares at me with a disappointed expression on her face. As I sit there looking at her, waiting for her to respond, she smiles and shakes her head. I never asked you for any of that. And nor is it your place to butt in or even criticize me, now is it? She asks. I told you what I told you because you asked for it, not because I wanted to get involved with you in some way. And it’s my right to do whatever I choose, no matter how wrong it is, now isn’t it? Before I even get a chance to respond she continues. You do understand boundaries, right? I’ve been your friend until now, because I thought you understood me, at least. Since we have such similar experiences. Guess I was wrong. You are just as self-centered and as much of a hypocrite as anyone. My soul starts burning.

It’s because I understood you, I promised that if you’d ask, I’d be with you! Because I loved you. I thought you’d actually grow up and care to settle down with someone that actually gives a shit about how you feel and what you want and what you went through. But no, you stood there, did nothing! Nothing! Every time I offered, all you had to do is say yes, but you didn’t. So, yes. I do know boundaries, otherwise, you wouldn’t have been as miserable as you are now. For how long did you think I was going to wait for you? How many attempts did you want me to have before actually going for it? Don’t give me that. I have been waiting for you since college, I tried. But apparently, it wasn’t good enough for you. She looks at me with anger. Aren’t you engaged now? Without hesitating. Aren’t you dating a married man? Why would you be opposed to an engaged one? I thought you didn’t care anymore. She tries to interrupt. But… I continue without letting her finish her thought. No buts, grow up. Make your mind up about what you want. Stop playing dumb games that won’t take you anywhere. Just as I say that, she gets up and….

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I Write Sins... Not Tragedies 13 - Rebel Yell

She started telling me how she met this man through one of her older friends from home and during a night out they simply hit it off and started to flirt and joke around. And my mind at this point is fuming with frustration and anger as she goes on with her story. She continues her story, telling me about how as the night progressed they started making out and at that point, he had confessed to her about his wife. My ears can’t believe the story she is telling me as frustration and anger fill her expressions and mannerisms. She looks me in the eyes, telling me that she had to decide then and there what to do. Knowing already what she will say, I avert my eyes and look down at my drink. She continues saying that she decided to accept it and go with it, telling me that she hasn’t been understood the way she is understood by him. I get up, tell her I need to go to the bathroom and ask her if she wants something from the bar. She tells me that she needs just a beer and I leave…

I knew she always felt lonely, but this felt like the first time she went out of her way to do something like this. A deep feeling of sadness pumps within my chest as I couldn’t have helped her in any way. Why does it feel like she purposefully avoided me lately? As I return, I see her smiling. I tell her to continue the story. She tells me that her only problem is with him promising her things he can’t do, like visiting her or meeting in her home town. Her story feels unreal to me, thinking that all these things are usually reserved for soap operas and badly written erotic novels. But then she continued by saying that he is unhappy with his wife and that he might look into divorcing her. At this point, I don’t want to hear anymore of her twisted dumb story, yet I can’t stop her. As she tells me that in his arms she feels safe, happy and loved. And I can’t anymore…

Why? I ask her. She looks at me puzzled and with a faint smile she tells me that she just wants to be happy. You know that you won’t be. And we both know you have shit taste in choosing man and making mistakes. Because we’ve been the same, you and I, when it came to this. So why this? And why now? I ask her. Because I can’t anymore! I’m tired. I am tired to care about what others want and to look for someone. So why shouldn’t I enjoy this when he wants it and I want it too? I want to be free, I don’t want to feel trapped anymore, I want to do what I wish and live life. I want to be understood, loved, held, cared for, not alone and so much more. You should know this better than anymore. Hearing all this, I snap…

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I Write Sins... Not Tragedies 12 - Sweet Child O' Mine

I see her and I can’t believe how gorgeous she is. I haven’t seen her in a couple of years and we barely kept in touch online, which only makes this meeting the ever sweeter. She goes to greet me with a hug, her sweet and sour scented parfum draws me into a nostalgia filled state as we sit down, order our drinks and start to reminisce about college and our younger years. She insists and keeps asking me how I feel and how I’ve been. Putting pressure as she can see through me, since I can’t hide my emotions all too well. Question after question, like punches to the gut, calling me out, shaking me up. And after all was said and done, her words like honey, soothe my wounds as she makes me feel understood for the first time in years. I feel happiness, as I stand there and smile looking in her eyes. As we stare at each other, I glimpse the sadness behind her eyes.

With that I put a big smile and ask what she has been doing. She laughs and tells me that it is but the same old. A crack in her laugh makes me think otherwise, now pursuing her to tell me the truth and trying to repay her kindness. She started giving me generic things about her workplace and just life in general, but her face, her eyes, her frown was telling another story, as she held herself in her own arms. Without thinking, I start lying about unnecessary things. Telling stories about when I was hurt and lied to by exes and the time I was that someone she had cheated with. Stories of abuse of friends that were neither here or there, just to see if it had anything to do with her relationship, since she was always so private about her life. She knew how and when to open up about the things that were bothering her.

Minutes had turned into an hour, two, or three, as we talked and talked. She relaxes after a few beers, her expression turns to a serious one. I try once more to get through to her and get something out, so at least I can help her. But nothing. I start venting about future and being afraid to decide on what to do. She tells me I worry too much. I start bemoaning my work and having to let go of what I do, she tries to understand and reassure me. Once she saw me calmer, she started to mock me and joke around. Without thinking I start teasing her back. We both exchange jabs at each other. I tell her that she is gorgeous and start complimenting her. She starts smiling. Embolden, I start flirting with her. She stays silence, as her expression turns to a more serious one, without any encouragement she starts complaining about the guy she was seeing. How he is lying to both her and his wife about where he is and what he is doing. In absolute awe, I tell her to fill me…

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